DAN, DAN THE MOVIEMAN: THE ABSOLUTE WORST OF 2019
OK, I promised this so I’m delivering it. Hate to be negative, but maybe my awful use of time can save you some time watching films that will only disappoint.
But before I get to that list, a quick note on some new films that just recently hit theaters.
1917 – It’s great. Go see it. Bigger screen the better. Got some rough language, but incredible movie.
JUST MERCY – Good. NOT great. The story is very compelling, but the language threw me and Brie Larson was terrible. Sorry, but what did she (as both an actress and her character) add to this movie? Worth seeing, but you will choke on the BRIE and the language (which was totally unnecessary).
UNDERWATER – Meh. If you need a diversion, maybe. Effects are OK, but you just never care about the characters.
The 10 Worst Movies of 2019
Now, on to THE WORST WASTE OF YOUR EYEBALLS FOR 2019:
- TRANSIT – It’s a foreign film and not many will see it anyway, but goodness gracious people if you want to see the exact WRONG way to use a narrator, this is the film to see.
- HELLBOY – This reboot was awful. Stay far, far away.
- STUBER – Crude, not funny. At all.
- BRITTANY RUNS A MARATHON – I had high hopes for some entertainment value, but I ended up really disliking the lead character and it was downhill after that. This movie made me want to gain weight.
- AD ASTRA – Yep, this was bad. Narration was bad, and then the final reveal was SO HORRID I wanted to throw my drink at the screen. I do NOT like movies that insult my intelligence. This is a real slap in the face to any person of faith.
- AQUARELA – Just boring. Pretty. But boring. Worst doc of the year? Worst I’ve seen in awhile anyway.
- DOCTOR SLEEP – Everyone involved in this should just slink away and hope we all forget their crime. Terrible.
- CHARLIE’S ANGELS – Yes, I saw this. I’m sorry I did. There is not one single thing to like about this movie. It deserves a super slam dunk into the nearest cinematic garbage can.
- CATS – You will not believe how awful this is. People will be tempted to watch it just to judge the anti-hype for themselves. Don’t. Maybe you die at the end of the film and you don’t want this to be the last experience you have in life. Trust me. And yes, I loved the musical on stage.
- THE LIGHTHOUSE – I know this is up for a cinematography Oscar and I don’t disagree with that, but the story is mud and the characters (while well acted) are so contemptible that you are hoping everyone on screen will die. And they do. Just not quick enough. SPOILER! You shouldn’t see it anyway.
More Dishonorable Mentions of Film in 2019
OTHER FILMS YOU SHOULD THINK TWICE BEFORE SEEING:
- JOKER – It’s dark people. KILL THE RICH! Really? I’m a Batman fan, so I wanted to like it, but the lesson of this movie was simple – if you are mistreated in life, kill. Even your mother. As someone who spent much time taking care of my mom daily for two years before her death, I have no use for the message of this film. Performances are great, film is well made, but the message is from the pit of hell folks. Children of the Light should not cozy up to this. Period.
- UNCUT GEMS – Just slimy. It may be true to its characters and story, but thank God it’s not my truth. What an awful world, awful people and deeply troubling couple of hours.
- LAST CHRISTMAS – Our protagonist is a drunk malcontent who is destructive both to people and property. Merry Christmas everyone. One of the worst Christmas films ever made, right up there with Love, Actually, which was THE worst.
- READY OR NOT – Why, why, why am I drawn to these bloody horror films? God help me. And you if you choose to waste one breath of your life on this.
- MISSING LINK – This was terrible. No one went to see it and it’s up for an Academy Award. If you believe there is a God and that God is our creator, this is NOT the film for you.
- SERENITY – (the one with Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway) – Whoa. What are these actors doing in this movie? There is just no reason for this movie to exist. It’s empty, goes nowhere and lets you down at every turn.
- GLASS – M. Night Shalaman is hit and miss at best. This is a miss. Yeah I know it made alot of money but these characters deserved better than this. What a great idea. So totally mishandled. Makes me mad.
OK, enough negativity.
To counter all this yuck, I will reveal some films that you should see that were not on my best of / honorable mention list. Coming in a couple of days. Some hidden gems in there.